


What the Heart Misses

by OCelia



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28406355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OCelia/pseuds/OCelia
Summary: Spoilers for S3E22 finale. Forgetting and remembering. Clary's journey after.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My little spin on what happened after the finale. I will post here and there snippets of her journey coming back.

Inhale. Exhale.

It is okay. Although, it never is.

Have you ever felt as if the world is moving on, however you are on a standstill? Everyone is moving forward, however you cannot go on. Not even one inch.

It has been days. Weeks. Months. That I woke up. My memory was hazy. Mom went missing, I remembered. And afterwards, there were shards of memories. They were just under the surface, but I just could not pull them in front of me. Always out of touch.

The art institute called me. They were impressed with my audition, I remembered. They offered me a scholarship. However, I had never accepted it. I just don't remember, when or why. It was such a great opportunity, however I never responded, they said. I was off the grid.

However, I do not remember how or when or what happened.

Doctors told me that I suffered amnesia. Probably because of trauma, as I also had a couple of scars, I couldn't explain.

There were so many things I couldn't explain. My heart had a hole, I couldn't fill.

Despite the hole, I tried to live my life. I picked off where I left off. I called the art institute and pleaded for a chance. They gave it to me. I applied for jobs. I wrote college essays.

I was living a mundane life. It never felt quite right. But everything was doing the same thing. So, it must be just in my head. Right?

People tell me, I am over analysing. I need to get my mind out of my head. Live a little.

Was I not doing that already?

But life, still, did not feel totally right.

I was always missing something. Or someone.

There were times, I would turn around, because I had the feeling that someone was watching over me.

I remember a time, where I crossed the street sending a text to a colleague. And suddenly I was across. As if, someone picked me up and moved me with super human speed to the side walk.

I missed a car.

Looking over the city from my balcony, I had the feeling as if the view was not quite right. A deja vu, as if the view was distorted and I was seeing it from an angle I was just not familiar with.

A friend invited me for a self defence workshop. It was my first time. And I kicked the instructors ass.

I didn't know I had the power to fight. But apparently I did. I was suprised. But also not.

I went on dates. My type was blonde tall and muscular. We talked. We hugged. We kissed. But it was never right.

My whole life was so mundane. I never felt really… alive.

Shadows followed me everywhere. And no matter how hard I turned on the lights, they were never really gone.

I missed him. I knew I did. I just did not know who he was.

So, I picked up the brush and I painted.

I painted doors. I painted hallways. I painted shadows. I painted tattoos. I painted hands. I painted eyes. Blue and brown.

_"Most of my works are abstract. it is like I have these feelings and stories inside that are trying to surface but I cant quite make em out. so the closest I can do is paint the feelings."_

_And then I saw him. Standing in a leather jacket across the art room. He was looking intense. My heart burned. Deep inside there was voice whispering urgently, go to him. He is the one._

_And so I walked. With every step, the fog was slowly lifting from my mind. With every step, the hole I had inside was slowly closing._

_With every step, my heart began to sing louder._

_"Hi," I said._

_His eyes widened. He looked around. He blinked as if he was not sure if I was real. His body tensed, ready to flee._

_"Sorry, I didn't mean to spook you," I apologised._

_"You can see me," his voice cracked. I felt a burn in my soul. As if angels were nearby, heaven was blessing us._

_"Of course, I can see you." I told him._

_He turned around and walked away._

_Not again, my heart screamed._

_So I sped after him. I grabbed him by his arm._

_Without a thought, I flung my arms around him._

_This felt right. This was right._

_My heart healed. My mind was clearer than ever._

_"Jace," I said._


	2. Choices

“Most of my works are abstract. It is like I have these feelings and stories inside that are trying to surface, but I can’t quite make them out. So, the closest I can do is paint the feelings.”

Isn’t it peculiar?   
Remembering. 

I have been building a new life, after. I accepted that there were chunks of my life missing. Memories I would never gain access to. Months of therapy, doctor appointments, desperation and mental breakdowns.   
It is weird as hell to live life with missing pieces. There was a life before. There was a life after. 

Everything in between was a haze. A fog I could not overcome. And it made me insane. 

But I pushed through. I pulled myself out of very dark and blank places. Especially, when your support system of before has vanished. And you have no idea what happened to them. 

You only have the answer death. But the how and the what and the why. 

None of that. 

And then at the brink of my peak, it all crashed down on me. 

If I knew... how painful it would be to remember. I am not sure if in the after I would have tried so hard. I am not sure if I actually wanted to relive all these painful memories.

I killed my biological brother. I sacrificed my love, Jace. I killed demons.

I lost mom.   
I lost mom.  
I lost mom. 

There is blood on my hand.   
So much blood.  
And it is blood that I cannot wash off. 

“Hi,” a husky voice whispers. Two strong tatted arms embraces me. Jace’s lips softly touches my neck. 

“Are you okay?” He asks me. 

“I am fine,” I lied. I shut off the tap. “Just washing my hands.” 

He sighed. He knew my tells. He knew me longer than I knew him.

Peculiar are these memories. They come and go. I have innate memories of things I have seen, actions I have done. However, these memories are vague. I often need a push to remember. 

Simon telling me how I jumped at that demon. Or... Izzy asking me about Magnus?  
Answers slip through my lips, before I realise that these words are knowledge and memories that are mine.

I often cry. Because the person I am today is in such a stark contrast to the person I was before and the person in-between. 

Blue and brown eyes look at me. “I just want to help.” 

“I know,” I tell him. “I really know, but it is hard.” 

I confess, “I often times just don’t know what is going on or what has happened. I am also not sure who I really am.” 

Jace nods, and pulls me in. 

“It is okay. I will love you no matter what.” 

He is a good guy. Such a good guy.

He is very patient with me. He tells me how beautiful I am. He tells me how much he has missed me. He tells me all these amazing things. 

However, a nagging doubt tells me he is not in love with You. He is in love with her. And you cannot become her anymore. That her is dead. 

And every one thinks that Her will revive again. Because I am here. In the institute. Back with them. 

Am I in the right place? I have no freaking clue. 

Do I really belong here? 

The way I can kick someone’s ass, when they accidentally scare me, says definitely. 

But I don’t feel like I belong. 

There are so much things missing. So many time has passed. And I am still relearning, and reliving memories and experiences. 

I wonder when and how I will be who I am... 

They have such high hopes for me. They are all good people. 

And I am not sure if I can. 

I know for a fact that I will disappoint them. 

But, here he is. Pulling me back to bed. Telling me how he will always love me and stay with me. 

“I am never going to let you go again.” He says.   
“They gave you back to me. You are my best of the best blessings.” 

Am I really a blessing? Or have the angels cursed me? 

“Let’s go to the trainingroom later. We can train a bit. And if you want, we can also go to the weapons’ room.” 

“I am not sure if I a ready,” my voice quivers. I take a deep breath, trying to gain control.   
“I am not sure if I can actually hold a stele.”

“Nonsense,” Jace states, “I have 100% faith you can. You are Nephilim. You are one of our bests. You have angel blood in you. Like me.” 

He turns me around. “Look at me,” he puts his hand around my face. 

“You are Clary. You may not know who you are. You may have missing memories. But at the end of the day, the thing that makes you you, your heart, has not changed. That is what matters.” 

“They gave you a chance to be part of our world. Of your world. The Angels have punished you by ripping your memories apart. And now it is up to you.” 

He looks down. With pain in his voice, he continues. 

“I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish I could fix it for you. I know... I see you are in pain. And it just sucks, I cannot fix it for you. I wish I could do this.” 

Jace snaps his fingers.

“... And everything was back to normal. But that is not the case here. I can only support you on your journey. But it is your journey alone. If you are ready, then let me be by your side.” 

“And it is also okay to not want to. Or to never be ready.” 

“No matter what you feel, how you feel, you will always have Angel blood in you. It is you. And it is up to you if you want to stay here or not. I don’t want to force you. It is your choice, Clary.” 

I nod. 

“It is my choice.” I confirm. And no matter what, I can always go back. But will I regret it if I don’t see what more I could do? What more I could become in this after? 

“Okay, let’s go to the weapons room later.” 

\- Fin.


End file.
